Why Love Languages Can Look Different Across Cultures

If you've ever completed a "love languages" quiz with your partner, you may have discovered that you express and receive love in different ways. One of you might value words of affirmation, whilst the other feels most loved through acts of service or quality time. Understanding these differences can be helpful, but for couples in intercultural relationships, the picture is generally more complex.

As a couples therapist working with intercultural and international couples, I've found that many relationship difficulties aren't simply about different love languages. They're also about the influence of culture. The ways we learn to express affection, communicate care, resolve conflict and experience closeness are shaped not only by our personalities, but also by our families, communities and cultural backgrounds. Recognising this can help couples move away from blame and towards greater understanding.

We Learn What Love Looks Like Long Before We Enter a Relationship

None of us enters adulthood with a completely blank slate.

From childhood, we observe how love is expressed in our families and communities. We learn whether affection is spoken aloud or shown through actions. We notice whether emotions are shared openly or kept private. We develop expectations about family responsibilities, independence, generosity, hospitality and commitment, often without realising these expectations are culturally influenced.

For some people, saying "I love you" regularly feels completely natural. In other families or cultures, love may not be verbalised because it is expected to be demonstrated through practical support, sacrifice or unwavering commitment. A partner who works long hours to provide for their family may genuinely believe they are expressing love, whereas the other longs to hear appreciation or emotional reassurance. Both may care deeply for one another, yet each struggles to recognise the other's expressions of love.

When Love Languages Meet Cultural Expectations

Popular discussions about love languages encourage couples to learn one another's preferred way of receiving affection. Whilst this can be valuable, it doesn't always account for the cultural meanings attached to those behaviours.

Take gift-giving, for example. In some cultures, gifts carry deep symbolic meaning and are an important way of expressing respect, gratitude or family connection. In others, extravagant gifts may feel unnecessary or even uncomfortable.

The same is true of physical affection. Holding hands, hugging or kissing in public may feel entirely ordinary for one partner but inappropriate or unsafe for another because of cultural, religious or social expectations. Likewise, spending time with extended family may be experienced as an expression of love and loyalty in one culture, whilst another partner may interpret it as time taken away from the relationship.

Understanding these differences isn't about deciding whose approach is correct, but becoming curious about the meaning behind each partner's behaviour.

Sometimes the Hurt Isn't About the Behaviour

One of the questions I often encourage couples to consider is:

"What does this behaviour mean to you?"

Imagine one partner doesn’t compliment the other. Rather than assuming they don't care, it may be helpful to ask what verbal praise represented in their family or culture. Perhaps achievements were subtly acknowledged rather than openly celebrated. Equally, if one partner expects frequent family visits, this may reflect deeply held values around loyalty and belonging rather than a lack of boundaries.

When couples begin exploring these meanings together, conflict soon begins to soften. Instead of asking, "Why won't you show me love the way I need?", the conversation becomes, "Help me understand what love looked like where you grew up."

That shift from judgement to curiosity can massively transform the emotional climate of a relationship.

Love Across Cultures Also Means Navigating the Outside World

Intercultural relationships don't develop in isolation. Partners may also face differing expectations from their families, communities or religious traditions about how love should be expressed, who should make decisions or what a relationship should look like.

For intercultural same-sex couples, these challenges are even more complex. One partner may feel comfortable being open about the relationship, whilst the other comes from a cultural or religious background where visibility carries significant personal or family consequences. The emotional strain this creates isn't simply a difference in personality or communication; it's shaped by the wider cultural context in which the relationship exists.

Acknowledging these external pressures helps couples understand that not every conflict originates within the relationship itself. Sometimes the relationship is carrying the weight of the worlds around it.

Creating Your Own Language of Love

One of the greatest strengths of an intercultural relationship is the opportunity to create something entirely your own.

Rather than choosing one culture over another, many couples discover they can develop shared rituals and traditions that reflect both partners' identities. This might involve celebrating festivals from each culture, combining family customs, finding new ways to express affection, or openly discussing what helps each person feel emotionally secure and valued.

Healthy intercultural relationships aren’t about asking one partner to adapt completely. They flourish when both people remain curious about one another's experiences and are willing to create new ways of loving that honour both of their histories.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

If you and your partner often find yourselves saying, "We're speaking different languages," you may be closer to the truth than you realise.

Intercultural couples therapy offers a space to explore not only how you communicate, but why you communicate the way you do. Together, we can explore the influence of culture, family, attachment and identity on your relationship, helping you understand the emotional meaning beneath recurring misunderstandings rather than becoming stuck in cycles of blame.

I work with intercultural, international and mixed-culture couples, including same-sex couples, who are navigating cultural differences, long-distance relationships, relocation, family expectations and major life transitions. Whether you're preparing to move in together, planning a multicultural family, or simply wanting to understand one another more deeply, therapy can help you build a relationship where both partners feel heard, respected and culturally understood.

Love may be a universal human experience, but the ways we learn to express it are wonderfully diverse. Understanding those differences doesn't weaken a relationship, it creates the possibility of building one that is richer, more compassionate and uniquely your own.