Why Is It Easier to Talk to AI Than to People?
If you find yourself telling an AI model or platform things you struggle to say to the people in your life, you are not alone. More and more of us are finding that there is more anonymity in confiding in AI than sharing with humans due to the fact that AI will agree with what you say and will not judge your experiences, views or opinions. However, there is a part of us that must consider where this information we are entering into the keyboards ends up, so it may be worth asking what makes the conversation feel safer.
There is something strangely easy about telling an AI something you haven't been able to tell another person. You can type what you're thinking without worrying about interrupting someone. You don't have to watch their face as you speak or deal with the possibility of an awkward silence, a raised eyebrow or a response you weren't expecting. You can take your time and you can change your mind by editing what you are typing or changing the word choice without saying something aloud that cannot be deleted or unsaid. Online, you can say something that feels embarrassing and then simply keep typing.
For some people, talking to an AI can feel easier than talking to a friend, partner or even a therapist. Perhaps you've found yourself asking ChatGPT about a problem you're too embarrassed to discuss with anyone else. Perhaps you've started using an AI chatbot when you're lonely, anxious or unsure what to do, or maybe you've noticed that you tell an AI model things about yourself that you never tell the people closest to you. If that sounds familiar, ask yourself: Why is this easier?
The answer may tell us something interesting about what we need from our relationships with other people.
The appeal of talking to something that doesn't judge you
One of the most obvious attractions of talking to AI is the absence of an obvious social risk. When we tell another person something personal, we don't know exactly how it will land or how they will respond. Will they understand? Will they think differently of us? Will they judge us? Will they give us advice we didn't ask for? Will they remember what we've said? Will they see us differently afterwards?
All these questions are swirling around in our heads, even when the other person is kind and trustworthy, revealing something personal involves vulnerability. An AI platform doesn't look disappointed, it doesn't become uncomfortable. Of course, it doesn't interrupt and it won't tell you that you're overreacting. For someone who has experienced criticism, rejection or shame in relationships, this can make a conversation with AI feel particularly safe. You can reveal something without having to immediately manage another person's reaction, and that can be very appealing. However, in doing so, it creates an echo chamber where you feel safe, a false illusionary safety.
We don't just fear being judged, we fear being known
There is a difference between being judged and being known. Being judged means someone decides something about you, whereas being known means another person sees parts of you that you might normally keep hidden.
Intimacy requires a degree of being known, and that can be frightening when we enter relationships with others, romantic, platonic, professional etc. We might want closeness, but fear what might happen if somebody sees us properly. Perhaps we worry that our partner will discover how insecure we really are, or that we are afraid that our friends will realise how lonely we feel. It could be that we have become used to presenting ourselves as capable, independent or successful, and admitting that we are struggling feels like breaking character.
Talking to AI can offer an interesting halfway point. You can express something deeply personal without having to experience the vulnerability of another human being sitting opposite you. You can feel heard without necessarily having to feel exposed.
AI doesn't need anything from you
Human relationships are complicated partly because they are reciprocal. Your friend also has feelings, your partner has needs and your colleague may be having a difficult day too. Even the people who care about us have limited time and emotional energy. Consequently, we don't tell someone what is really happening because we don't want to burden them. We tell ourselves: "They've got enough going on." "I don't want to be needy." "I'll deal with it myself." "It's not important enough to bother them with."
An AI doesn't appear to need anything from us. You can turn up at any time, without having to ask whether it is a good moment. You don't have to worry about taking up too much emotional space, and for someone who has learned that their needs are inconvenient, this can be a powerful experience. But it also raises an important question: What happens when having no needs placed on us becomes part of what makes a relationship feel safe?
The problem with always getting a response
There is another reason AI conversations can feel unusually comfortable, getting an instant response. If you send a message to a friend, they might not reply until tomorrow. Or if you tell someone something difficult, they might need time to think. They might misunderstand you, but they might disagree. Human communication contains so much uncertainty and it is what makes AI feel much more predictable.
For someone experiencing loneliness, that responsiveness can be powerful, but there is an important distinction between responsiveness and relationship. A relationship isn't simply the experience of receiving a response, it also involves another person with their own history, needs, boundaries, perspectives and freedom to disagree with us. Some of the most meaningful conversations we have with other people are meaningful precisely because they aren't completely predictable.
When AI feels easier than your partner
Imagine someone who finds it easier to tell an AI that they are unhappy in their relationship than to tell their partner, that might initially seem strange. After all, their partner is the person with whom they actually have a relationship, but telling their partner feels risky. They may fear an argument or they may worry about hurting them. They may be afraid that saying "I'm not happy" will lead to a conversation they aren't ready to have. An AI model allows them to explore the thought privately.
Sometimes we need somewhere to put our thoughts before we know what we actually think. We can rehearse a conversation in our heads or with friends and family before we actually have it for real with the person in question. However, the danger is when reflection becomes a substitute for communication.
If we repeatedly process our relationship with an AI but never talk to our partner, the AI may become a place where the relationship is discussed without the other person ever being invited into the conversation.
What are you getting from the conversation?
If you regularly find yourself turning to AI when you're upset or lonely, it may be worth becoming curious about the experience by asking yourself: What do I get from talking to AI that I don't get from people?
Perhaps it is:
Freedom from judgement
Immediate responses
Privacy
A sense of being listened to
Help putting feelings into words
Somewhere to think without interruption
Reassurance
Company when you're alone
The ability to explore difficult thoughts without consequences
There is no shame in finding these things comforting, but each answer points towards something important. If you value the lack of judgement, then judgement may have been painful in previous relationships. If you value not being a burden, then it could be that you have learned to minimise your needs. If you value the ability to say absolutely anything, perhaps there are things you are frightened to reveal to people who matter to you. If you value the constant availability, perhaps loneliness has become particularly difficult to tolerate.
When loneliness isn't simply about being alone
Loneliness tends to be described as the absence of other people, but you can be surrounded by people and still feel profoundly alone. That is to say you can have a partner or have hundreds of followers online and feel lonely. You can speak to people throughout the day and still feel that nobody really knows you. Perhaps one of the reasons AI companionship can feel powerful is that it gives us the experience of attention without requiring the risks of intimacy. We can have conversations without necessarily having a relationship.
Human connection requires us to tolerate uncertainty, difference and vulnerability. Someone may misunderstand us, they may disappoint us, they may need something from us, they may disagree, or they may sometimes fail to give us what we want. However, we must remind ourselves that it is part of what makes it a relationship, a relationship.
Perhaps the conversation is telling you something
If talking to AI feels easier than talking to people, it is not a personal failing, you may genuinely have good reasons for finding human relationships difficult. Due to being hurt, learning that vulnerability isn't safe, worrying about rejection, spending years being the person who copes alone or being lonely and simply grateful to have somewhere to put your thoughts.
But it might be worth becoming curious about what happens when you imagine telling another person the same thing. What are you afraid would happen? Would they judge you? Reject you? Become disappointed? Need something from you? See you differently?
The more difficult possibility is that they might understand you, and being genuinely understood feels more vulnerable than you expected. Ultimately, the appeal of talking to AI may tell us as much about human relationships as it does about technology. We don't just want answers, we want somewhere to put the parts of ourselves that we aren't sure other people will accept.
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