Why Couples Keep Missing Each Other

Many couples come to therapy saying some version of "We keep having the same argument". or more painfully, "It feels like we're drifting apart and I don't know how to stop it."

Often, what's happening underneath isn't a lack of love or commitment, it's a pattern, one that is the most common dynamic I see in practice, which is known in the field as the "pursuer-withdrawer dynamic". Think of it less as a problem caused by either partner, and more like a dance that a couple gets pulled into, usually unbeknownst to them. This was set out by Dr Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. But what is this dynamic and how does it look in the real world and within relationships?

Well, in this dynamic, one partner tends to pursue connection when things feel tense or uncertain. They might want to talk things through immediately in the here and now as the argument, the negative behaviour or unhelpful comments are unfolding. Addressing issues in the midst of the issue can feel intense, overwhelming and unproductive due to the heightened emotions on both sides. The pursuer may also ask many questions of their partner, seek reassurance from them or express frustration at their apparent incorrect responses to their needs. This could look like nagging behaviour, criticism and anger, or frustration. Another strategy used by pursuers is a push for closeness when they sense emotional distress within the relationship. They fear that they might be losing their partner, so consequently, may physically occupy the space their partner is in as much as they can, even if nothing is said verbally.

Meanwhile, the other partner tends to withdraw under the same stress. Their reaction may look like a total shutdown, where they go quiet and try to change the subject to avoid confrontation and any awkward conversations. This is in contrast with the pursuer's need to talk things through immediately, this creates a spiral effect or dance in the words of Sue Johnson. The withdrawer may physically remove themselves from situations by going for a walk, retreating to another room or even just emotionally check out, where they appear indifferent to issues from the outside as a coping strategy to avoid the sadness they are experiencing. Withdrawers can also experience a feeling of overwhelm or criticism, even if that's not the intent, meaning that smallen themselves and withdraw further as they feel that can never 'get' their partner nor what is being asked of them, resulting in neither side's needs being met.

What is important to point out is that neither position is right or wrong and one should not be viewed as worse or unhealthier over the other, but simply to say that both partners have learned this behaviour and have found themselves in this cycle as it is too easy to act out. Both partners are responding to same thing: a threat to their emotional safety or connection. They are just coping in opposite ways.

Now both positions are reactions to the same fear, but deploying different survival strategies. In EFCT, this dynamic is seen as being rooted in our need for secure attachment bonds, in other words our very human need to feel emotionally safe, seen and valued by our partner. The pursuer often fears that they no longer matter to their partner, who is quiet and disconnected to them as well as concerned about the lack of communication resulting in them drifting apart and losing the relationship that they are working overtime to repair and hold together.

This is not to say that the withdrawer is not wanting to avoid rupturing the relationship either as their fears are centred around failure to meet their partner's needs and say or do the right thing. Even when they do try, they are met with comments of not being good enough or not quite getting it right, which feeds the fear of failure more to the point of giving up and staying quiet and withdrawn as it is safer than poking their head above the parapet. This is often coupled with thoughts of whatever they say will make it worse, hence they take the position of withdrawing.

Neither response is wrong, as both are protective. But as you can see, when the two positions collide within a relationship, they can create a painful loop. The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other escalates. And suddenly, the relationship feels stuck.

This pattern appears over and over in all kinds of couple dynamics, including intercultural and mixed race couples for instance, where communication styles can differ greatly due to different upbringings, values and expectations of what communication looks like within a couple dynamic. One partner may come from a culture, where emotional expression and direct conversation is valued, whilst the other may have learned that restraint or emotional distance equates to respect.

Within these couples, the pursuer may be labelled as "too emotional" or "dramatic", whilst the withdrawer is seen as "cold" or "unavailable". In reality, both may be navigating not only their individual attachment needs but also cultural expectations, family histories and experiences of marginalisation or being misunderstood, not just by wider society, but by their own partners, the ones who should be able to understand them instinctively.

For this reason, the dynamic can be intensified when one partner already feels unseen or "othered" in the wider world.

If we consider same-sex couples, we can see that they are not immune to the pursuer-withdrawer dance, despite the myth that they communicate better by default. In some same-sex relationships, the dynamic can be shaped by different levels of comfort with emotional vulnerability. This is often learned from family structures and peer groups where emotional vulnerability may have been too risky or met with negative responses and so it became safer to keep it all bottled in.

Past experiences of rejection, shame, or hiding parts of the self can be another factor within same-sex relationships, particularly in cases where one or both partners have hidden their sexuality way into adulthood. This behaviour of hiding aspects of identity can easily be applied to other aspects of life, including tensions within couple dynamics, where true feelings and emotions are hidden to stay protected. The dynamic can also be shaped by internalised beliefs about what it means to need someone.

One partner may pursue reassurance out of a fear of abandonment, whilst the other withdraws because closeness feels risky or exposing. It must be noted that the roles are not tide to gender and anyone in any relationship set up can take either role and can change role depending on the relationship we are in at different stages in our lives. The roles are about attachment and emotional safety.

Open relationships can bring extra layers to the pursuer-withdrawer pattern. Conversations about boundaries, reassurance, jealousy or emotional needs can trigger deep attachment fears. As a couple opens themselves up to exploring other relationships, whether they are casual, polyamorous or forming a potential throuple with a shared third partner, the attachment bonds with the primary, original or initial partner comes into question, especially around how strong they are.

A pursuer might seek frequent check-ins or reassurance to feel secure by asking for permission to do certain things with additional partners, whilst the withdrawer might feel overwhelmed or pressured by the constant questioning, particularly if they value autonomy and emotional space. This can lead to misunderstandings where one partner feels "too needy" and the other feels "too detached", when in fact both are trying to protect the relationship in their own way.

One of the most powerful ideas or starting points within couples therapy is that the problem is not the individuals within the relationships, but the pattern. When couples get stuck in finger pointing "You never talk" or running away "you're always on my back" then they miss what's really happening underneath within the cycle: two people trying, unsuccessfully, to reach each other.

Once the dynamic becomes the enemy and not the partner, then the couple often feel a sense of relief and one in which they can begin to say: "we're getting caught in our cycle again, we're doing that thing again," as well as "I'm pursuing because I'm scared, not because I want to fight." That shift alone can soften interactions dramatically.

Breaking the pursuer-withdrawer pattern doesn't start with better arguments or clever communication techniques, instead it starts with emotional understanding and a willingness to step back and recognise that these hard line positions do not work, and a new strategy is required, often with the support of a therapist like me.

One way of shifting these positions is for pursuers to learn how to express vulnerability instead of protest. This might mean changing the language they use to explain what is going on underneath the anger, criticism and frustration to expressions of how they miss their partners and how they are scared when their partner goes quiet. However, for withdrawers, it might mean taking small emotional risks such as staying present in the moment as opposed to shitting down and naming overwhelm instead of disappearing. Over time, these small moments of responsiveness rebuild trust and emotional safety.

The pursuer-withdrawer dynamic shows up in all kinds of relationships as we've seen in this article cross-cutting cultures, identities, and relationship structures. It's not a sign that something is broken, but that connection matters deeply and finding a way to maintain that connection is a universal goal of all couples. When couples learn to see the dance, rather than attack each other, change becomes possible. And often, beneath years of frustration, there's a simple idea that is waiting to be heard:

"I need you, and I don't know how to say that safely."