Therapy to heal bonds
Communication is key in all forms of relationships, but particularly more so within romantic relationships with our partners. As a couple, we work together supporting one another with daily tasks and interactions as well as striving towards larger overarching aims that we want to achieve as a team. As with any team, however, sometimes communication breaks down and couples begin to drift apart emotionally until, eventually, disconnect sets in, followed by distrust and widening distance. This lack in communication can be caused by a number of different factors, which either on its own or in conjunction with others can create this divide with our partners. Common causes of communication breakdown include, but are not limited to, assumptions formed by either partner and a decreased perceived need to check-in with the other; being let down by our partners through inaction or failure to keep promises; and through ruptures to trust such as fears of abandonment by our partners.
When working with couples, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In this approach, we will work together to identify the issues and patterns in behaviour and emotions you are experiencing. After understanding the underlying fears and insecurities fuelling this negative cycle, we will progress through three stages. The first stage will be for us to de-escalate the heightening emotions and negative emotions whether that be sadness, anger, anxiety; then, in the second stage we will rebuild the security in the relationship by restoring empathy for one another through honest communication of feelings and experiences within and outside the relationship. The third and final stage is set aside for consolidation and sharing our achievements as well as planning for the future, ensuring that bonds have been repaired and learning from therapy can be implemented in future issues as and when they arise.
Often in relationships with communication issues, a pattern can be observed in the behaviour exhibited between partners. Essentially, two roles are formed either the pursuer or the withdrawer and partners may perform one of each or the same role, depending on their reaction to the breakdown in the relationship. The pursuer is one who tries to reach for connection in any way they can, positively or negatively. That might be through anger, frustration or irritation at their partner, who does not respond and instead withdraws further away creating more distance, therefore, assuming the role of the withdrawer.
It is important that I point out to any potential clients, who wish to enter couples therapy with me, that they are aware I am on the side of the couple and the relationship as a whole and that I don’t take sides in disputes between partners. My personal aim as a couples therapist is to help desescalate and alleviate tensions in order to facilitate communication and repair bonds between couples.
